june 13th!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

Home sweet home

 Okay i have been going nonstop for a couple weeks now! im officially home an plan on staying till my kids go to there dads the 17th. Robert is back home an couldnt be happier =) Well sorry to keep this so short but im tired!!! nap time yessssss ;p

And then there was 1.....

 Well yesterday was the kids last day of school. Got some really awesome things an awards. So proud of my boys!! Both were promoted to the next grade next year. Ill have the kids for another 2 weeks till they go to there dads for the summer. Im def dreading them being gone but I know it will be good for them an me. Gives me some time to get all my things together an hopefully go out an enjoy a summer full of sleeping in an just spending time with friends and family. Robert still hasnt made him way back here yet an not real sure if he will. Still helping his parents an i think he just got too comfortable down there. Ive learned you cant make someone stay or love you if there heart isnt there. Im okay with these facts. I really dont know where we stand anymore. Was thinking he would have been home by now? Im enjoying my time with the kids so i dont let  it bother me too much. Hes the one missing out not me =) Im thinking maybe dinner an a movie with the boys but depends on them an how clean their room is hehe. Speaking of clean i need to finish my room. hope to get on here again soon ;)

A baby?!?!

 So I went to jacksboro this past weekend and watched both my sisters walk across the stage yaaay!!! So very proud of them. Haven't had time to upload pics yet but hope too sometime this week. Kids were happy to go out to great grandmas and play. The kids had to make up a bad weather day today yuck so we had to come home early. Robert still down helping his parents work on remodeling there house =( miss him like crazy. So to keep me busy i stole a baby!! Well not really i just borrowed him =) Decided to give miss heather a break and brought Mr Cason home with me for a few days. I have to go pick up Robert weds so talked heather into letting me take the baby for a few days. So far so good. He's a very good baby. Still not use to the getting woke up all thru the night but he didn't cry. Hims just wanted to play =)  Already had some bananas this morning an a nap then a bath now he is being entertained by Kennedy haha yeah i don't think Kennedy wants another baby around the house. She seems a little jealous lol She keeps stealing him pacifier an running with it!!! The boys don't mind him here. Aaron has taken to him quite well. This morning on the way to school Aaron asked if we could keep him everyday hehe uhhh no. A few days tops!! Mommy likes her sleep okay. Love Mr cason but I'm sure his mommy already misses him like crazy. He is such a happy baby. Always smiling an laughing. I do miss having a little one around. But i think I'm done with having more babies lol 3 is plenty!! well off to play going to enjoy the day with the babies!!!

Lifes ain't always beautiful

Life ain't always beautiful

Sometimes it's just plain hard

Life can knock you down

It can break your heart



Life ain't always beautiful

You think, you're on your way

And it's just a dead end road

At the end of the day



But the struggles make you stronger

And the changes make you wise

And happiness has its own way

Of takin' its sweet time



No, life ain't always beautiful

Tears will fall sometimes

Life ain't always beautiful

But it's a beautiful ride





 

Life ain't always beautiful

Some days I miss your smile

I get tired of walkin'

All these lonely miles



And I wish for just one minute

I could see your pretty face

Guess, I can dream

But life don?t work that way



But the struggles make me stronger

And the changes make me wise

And happiness has its own way

Of takin' its sweet time



No, life ain't always beautiful

But I know, I'll be fine

Hey, life ain't always beautiful

But it's a beautiful ride

What a beautiful ride



  Unfortuntly life is not always beautiful then again if it was we wouldnt appreciate it when it was now would we. I have had plently of struggles over the past few years an let me tell you it was not beautiful. Still have some off days but I have to remind myself that yes its crappy but this day will end an tomorrow i can start over. When it comes down to it im BLESSED to have such wonderful children an a loving man beside me =)

Road trip? I think so =)

 Happy good Friday!! Kids are also out for school today an everyone is just hanging out enjoying the warm weather. Did i mention i looovvvveeee the warm weather?!?!? LOL I hate the cold an I am very happy its almost summer. We get to go back to Jtown yet again this weekend yay Love going down and spending time with the family an friends. Mr disappointment called last night and broke the news to Cameron that he would not be coming today to get them for his Easter visitation. Figures right. I think the kids have gotten use to the constant let down of there father anyways. Cameron isn't too happy with him an we never really told Aaron he might be coming cause well reasons like this. If he doesn't show then my kids are the ones left hurting and yes mommy is there to pick up the pieces. Sorry SOB makes me sick. Something came up with his old ass wife so he couldn't make it. ahh well that suits me just fine. I hate having to share the Holidays with him so me an Robert are happy to get to see the kids hunt eggs =) We will be going to Cottonwood Sunday to spend Easter with Roberts family. Everyone is so happy the kids will be joining us. Well I'm off to pack!! Hope everyone has a wonderful Easter.

Faith*Hope*Love

  Another great day so far. Man the good vibes are flowing =) The weather is great and Kennedy is in a good mood lol always a plus. Hope the week continues to bless us. The kiddos get to go with there dad this coming up weekend an I know they are needing to see him and spend some time together. Which means another kid free weekend for me and Robert<3 I think a weekend locked away in a hotel will be nice. Been since Feb i think since we done that. Use to try at least once a month to go have dinner dates a movie an a hotel room. I like finding cheap but nice hotels an we just have a good time.We really enjoy it!! I have some great pictures of our weekend get aways. Maybe ill post some soon. Its always nice to have time to ourselves and relax and just enjoy each other without being rushed or interrupted. But anyways just wanted to jump on an write a little. Need to get miss kk in the bath and layed down for a nap. Oh an for all you stalkers out there reading my every word waiting for the next post GET A LIFE. Didn't realize id have to make this private like my facebook an myspace but apparently someone just cant help them selves ugh real annoying. Oh well right. Read what you can and dig for whatever it is your looking for but highly doubt theres anything to interest you. Why would anyone really be interested in my blog?? Who really cares what i have to say or what i am doing?? Guess you ;p

An Amazing Weekend

 Well this weekend turned out great!! The boys an kk stayed out at grandmas with memaw an had there Easter egg hunt early since the kids will be gone for Easter. Becca, Michael an Donna took the kids to the Monster Truck Rally and the kids had a blast!! There first time to do something like that. They even got there shirts signed by Bounty Hunter an a few others an there picture taken with a driver an his monster truck. I got to spend a whole day with my mom an sisters an my nephews an man just cant say how good it felt to catch up. Robert even came out to grandmas an met there other side of the family which was really neat. I think everyone liked him =) Plenty of wonderful pictures of us in front of Gladys's new pond which was beautiful as well. GREAT GREAT WEEKEND I TELL YOU. I am loving life an everyone in mine. Lord has blessed me with wonderful family an friends. Well hate to keep it so short but lonnng drive an finally home an now its time to go crawl in bed with the love and get some sleep. More tomorrow maybe. will post pictures soon!!! Good night

Happy Tuesday?!?

 Yes sir we can call this a happy Tuesday =) Woke up tired but felt good. Kennedy let me sleep in a little an she has been in such a good mood even with her sunburn ouch! Seems with some patience an a little time things are def looking better an feeling better. I am almost embarrassed of a few of my previous post an going into detail of how crappy i felt but well this is me, its real an I'm living it. I don't really care who approves of what i say or how i feel from one day to the next. I wont sensor myself. Ohh what will people think of me if i write this or that well i don't care. I'm allowed a bad day here an there an I'm only human an no my relationship isn't perfect but that only means we have found ways to grow. I love my kids no doubt an i love Robert as well. I don't feel the need to over exaggerate on trying to make people think everything is easy an perfect cause well its not! I tell it like it is an its uncut, raw an ME. Just wanted to throw that out there. I am happy =) an i have bad days =) an I'm in love<3....
  So this weekend I felt accomplished with just relaxing an enjoying the weather. Played outside some with Aaron throwing the football around and walking down by the lake. Kennedy gave me some pretty poses to take pictures and well Aaron tried but he has become fearful of bees an any other bug that flies so he was more ready to go back to the house then take pictures. Poor guy. I am really hoping this is a phase and that it goes away with time. Its hard watching my little boy be fearful to go out an play like he use too =( We go to the doctor today and will def be bringing it up just to get an idea on what may be going on. Also Kk managed to get a sunburn on her shoulders an arm poor kid hehe she was not happy. Robert an I caught up on some reading too which was really nice. He loves to read and well after 3 kids I never had time to set back an enjoy a good book..until Robert. So picked up reading again and have read over 5 books in the last 6 months ha ha. Anyways need less to say my weekend was great!! Me and Robert seem to be back on track and the kids seem to be better too. I love my little family. Things can only go up from here and God is pushing us along =)
  Well i am super excited about going to jacksboro this weekend an for once with no kiddos. Don't get me wrong I love taking the kids but I'd like a tiny break! And Mema(Donna) is making that happen yay!! She is agreeing to take the kids all weekend plus she will be out at grandmas(Gladys) so the kids get double hugs an kisses. An I get alone time with my mommy an sisters =) It just gets hard having to find enough room to sleep 5 of us an now only 2!! OH I'm running out of time today...gotta 4 o'clock appointment with the boys in Greenville an i need to get ready. Wish me luck an will fill in on my awesome soon to be weekend when i return Sunday =)

Do fairytales really exsist??

 A new day an a beautiful one at that. Its been a very busy week an glad to be able to just sit back an relax today an well blog ha ha. This week was a good one =0
  So Saturday me and Robert went car shopping. We have had nothing but hell with my car(which hasn't ran since i bought it) an his truck. Both are still in the shop!! But we were able to get a new car!! 07 Pontiac G6. Its nice an fits all of use comfortably =) big plus with 3 kids. He drives to work currently but says when his truck is running it will be mine yippee he he total chick car if ya ask me. Panoramic sunroof oh yeah. its like the back seat has a sunroof too. An my fav part are the butt warmers(seat warmers) for anyone that knows me knows i hate being cold so i was ecstatic about them. I'm just happy to know we have a reliable car. Makes the tension between us lessen Ive noticed. But we will get into that later ;) Ill post a pic below of the awesome car lol

is there a fast forward button?!?!?

 So I haven't been on in awhile just have a lot going on. Amazingly both cars are broke down!! Luckly we were able to purchase another car....a nice one at that =) yay super happy about that! As far as that goes I guess everyone else is doing okay. Cameron is tons better no more strep an Aaron is great too. Kennedy i well shes kennedy =p. Things have been a little off with me an the love an i try so hard not to get to discouraged cause i know no relationship is perfect an that we are going to have off days. Our different views on things an our different personalities have really been clashing lately. We have decided to put off the wedding which i believe i said in my last post. Total disapointment for me cause i felt strongly about it then it just felt wrong. Hard to explain but we both new it was for the best. Do we still plan on getting married? Absolutly!! Just when the time is right an it doesnt feel forced.
   Well received another intresting letter from chris an his wife a few days ago. They never give up i tell you. Constantly trying to get at me an you would think after all this time his new thing would move on an leave me alone. She always looking for something to start it gets old. Her letters point to pure jelousy an that makes me laugh. The kids should be leaving for PA middle of june =( super sad about it but i know they need time with him. Lets just hope  he uses the time to really connect with them. He has fought so hard to keep the visitation open yet he never uses his time. Amazes me. Whatever though what can ya do. I just hope my kids are treated better this time around then last summer. Cameron hated it there. Anyways just wanted to jump on while i had a min but kk is already done with unch an well its nap time for miss thang =) then laundry an maybe mommy can sneak in a nap too!!!

 ohh an ps...really to tired to do spell check cause my signal just dropped an its taking a lifetime to do spell chk yes i get in a rush an just type away an usually take care of it when im done but ah well right!! sorry

not everyday is bad =)

 So far today has been pretty decent. Poor cam still hurting =( an Aaron's nose is still gushing blood every hour. I'm pretty sure I'm wore out. And being tired is an understatement!! I swear it feels as tho I have ran myself into the ground all week. Suppose to be going to Jacksboro this evening when Robert gets off work. Haven't decided if its going to make things worse or me more tired but i feel i need to see my mom an sisters. So as of right now Kennedy has not taken a nap an hopefully will sleep the 3 hour trip there!! I know I kept This pretty short but my eyes are closing with no warning lol i need to lay down now.............

My heart stopped beating for a minute

 So today was Cameron's surgery date. Got up at 4:30am an was out the door by 5:20am. Cam pretty much slept the whole way there an even slept while they took him back to put him to sleep ha ha yes he was already asleep when they put the mask on him. I guess it was about 8:30am when they finally  took him back. They called me in the waiting room to keep me updated. After about an hour or so the dentist who did the procedure came in and told me everything went very well that he got 4 crowns on his molars an should be good to go. Told me once they got him more awake they would call me back to recovery. Then the anesthesiologist came in an said Cameron did very well and that he was being slow coming out of it but would be able to go see him in about 10 or 15 Mins. Not even 5 mins later he comes running out waving for me to follow. When I get back there all I hear is a loud groggy noise which comes to be my 7 year old son fighting to breath. I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest. They tell me his tonsils have swollen up after pulling the tubes out an he is not breathing very well on his own!! The stats or whatever they were calling them which I'm guessing is the oxygen in his blood needed to stay above 93% yet it kept dropping down to the 80's. I was terrified an watching the doctors kinda panic made me panic. The kept pressing there thumbs into his neck behind his ears to help him breath. Looked painful an well turned out to be painful once he awoke. The doctors just kept saying we need to keep stimulating him to keep his airway open. After a few hours we finally got him stable and they moved up back upstairs to a room. Even after getting him upstairs he didn't wake up right away. Luckily Melissa showed up(robs sister) an helped me stay sane while they yelled WAKE UP over an over an over again. They kept trying to stimulate Cameron but he fell back into the troubled breathing we experienced downstairs. The nurse said he was pausing between breaths to long and called the doctor to come up. He came in an said it was crucial i get him to an ENT asap like that day if possible but if not i need t get in touch first thing in the AM and get him in. Said the tonsils have to come out real soon or could cause lots of health problems. He asked me to call cams pediatrician right then an there an let him talk to her but it was lunch time so no answer. He even left me his personal number to give her when i finally reached someone. They said the more Cameron woke up the better he would be an the easier he would be able to breath. I watched my baby gasp off an on for hours. It was devastating an scary. I prayed god would watch over him and keep him safe. He answered my prayers =) After several cold wet rags an drinks of apple juice an a few loud CAMERON WAKE UP OPEN YOUR EYES he finally came around. He had slept so long an was still so drugged up he had a tiny accident an thank goodness Melissa had come because she was so nice enough to go an buy Cameron some underwear an shorts to wear home. The nurses even gave him 2 dollars to buy an ice cream on the way home which made his day. I don't think he will have much memory of the whole incident an I'm glad. We are home an he seems to be okay. Says his throat is still pretty sore which makes me super nervous. Pretty sure he will be bunking with mom tonight in her bed. Tomorrow morning we shall be calling the doc an getting a referral to an ENT and getting this straightened out. I don't think i could take another episode like that. It was almost as if he had swallowed a baseball an was trying to breath with it lodged right in his throat =( mommy stayed strong but i don't ever want to feel that way again. My baby was watched over an i have to thank god he is safe an home.

   So on to the next thing!! Finally get home just in time for Robert to call an say hey i have your car running an I'm driving it home. Not 30 mins later he is calling saying he is broke down on the side of the road about 30 or 40 mins away. ugh really could this day get any worse!!! So he has to call a wrecker to come get him an the wonderful car. Talk about great frigging day. Not to mention the tension between everyone in the house.... I'm pretty sure we have over stayed our welcome at my parents......I'm tired i need to lay down so until next time ahhhhhh!!!!! =)

feels like a monday uhh

 As you know obviously it is not a Monday. In fact it is a Wednesday!! A crappy one so far at that. last night wasn't all that great an this morning was even worse =( I tried to explain why i give up last night to Robert. Yes give up. I'm tired. Tired of being tired. We fight we get along we love we hate and now we move on. Well i say that now but I'm not real sure what to do. How do you tell someone you feel like your not getting everything you deserve emotionally an anything else that goes along with that WITHOUT hurting there feelings? I never mean to hurt anyone an the only explanation i have is I'm asking for to much from him. Its simply me being selfish an i want more. This all sounds so mean but that's not the way I'm intending it. I guess i feel as though I'm settling maybe i guess ohh i don't know. I love him so damn much but we just cant get it right. He has his demons an apparently i have mine. I'm sorry i wont go into details of anything to do with my relationship well cause its mine. I wish i had someone to call someone to say hey I'm unhappy give me good advise or tell me how to fix it. What a mess I'm in huh...
 
   An for this morning well it was crappy. Kennedy manage to have oatmeal from one end of the kitchen to the other an all over her. Made me really mad an i was a little harsh about it. i know its not her fault I'm tired an aggravated. I feel like sometimes the kids get the bad end of my moods. They know i love them more then life itself. Ive got to get ahold of myself. Ive to be better. But how where do i start.... ugh its to early for this.

  Okay so I'm on here again today lol its been a good afternoon an I'm feeling good. Went to the dentist to have a tooth pulled ouch but apparently i have an abscess so they wouldn't pull it. No complaints i guess i hate having teeth pulled but i hate setting in pain too. I don't know but i go back next week to have it pulled so ill worry about that later ha ha. i went an tanned earlier an bout to get up an get ready to take the boys to there check up appointment in Greenville an take them to eat at Chili's yummy they will be as happy as i am about that =) sooo just wanted to say today has started looking up...i don't feel so down an that makes me happy.

life isn't fair....im tired

 Well today was aarons dental surgery an everything went very well minus the whole doing it alone thing. I know it sounds childish but i hate feeling like a single mommy. Sometimes i like to pat myself on the back an say damn right i got this i am mommy an daddy an i can do this all by myself....then there are days im so worn down i just want to climb into a closet an cry or scream. I feel guilty when i feel this way. I cant help it sometimes. I just get so down on myself =( i get tired. I feel hate sometimes for chris on days like these. Like why did you have to leave me alone to do this by myself. Now dont get me wrong by no means am i saying i miss him....i just miss the help. Robert tries an i know i probably dont give him enough credit an i know im probably to hard on him when  it comes to the kids. I just want my kids to be loved all the time i want them to have someone to look up too someone who wants to take them out to play ball an the idea come from them not me shoving it down there throat. I know i have more then enough love for my kids but still kills me the one man in there life thats suppose to never let them down just walked out an has nothing to do with them. There trust is gone. They just want some male attention someone to call daddy....

   I think i have hit a negative wall in my life. I feel like i deserve alot more then what im getting. Call me selfish i dont care. Is it to much to ask to have someone who loves you even the you thats not so pretty or perfect. To have someone grab your hand when your scared or to hold you at 3am wiping away tears an saying im here for you. I want to feel safe i want someone to have the answers an if they dont have them find them. Comfort me when im sad, lead me when im lost, forgive me when im wrong. I know im alot to handle an im so sorry for what i am. I cant help it. Nobody likes to be sad,angry, scared or all of the above at the drop of a hat for no apparent reason. Yes im prolly in need of my medication these days. But who has time when you have 3 kids. Im constantly running them around to this doctor or this dentist or this school thing or this or that. I dont have time to fix me. I know im going to have to make time...its just hard to make that time. im constantly going an when i do have a moment to myself i just want to lay in bed an sleep. How did i let life get ahead of me =( How did i let my happiness walk out on me or hell why did i chase my happiness away. Im in such a dark state right now i pray to god to give me some peace an to be patience with me. Im running as fast as i can but my feet arent moving. Im def rambling at this point but i have to get this out before i implode...yes i said implode. Im not allowed to break down or not atleast in front of anyone. Have to be strong an smile....

  Hold me now i need to feel relief,
  like i never wanted anything,
  I suppose I'll let this go and find a reason I'll hold on to,
  I'm so ashamed of defeat,
 And I'm out of reason to believe in me,
 I'm out of trying to get by,
 I'm so afraid of the gift you give me,
 I don't belong here and I'm not well,
 I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
 Right on the wrong side of it all
 I can't face myself when I wake up
 And look inside a mirror
  I'm so ashamed of that thing
I suppose I'll let it go
Until I have something more to say for me
I'm so afraid of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to defy,
I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all
Hold me now I need to feel complete
Like I matter to the one I need
I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all

Now I'm ashamed of this
I am so ashamed of this
Now I'm so ashamed of me
I am so ashamed of me...
        The Gift-Seether

Gonna run as far as my feet will allow me

 Well i do believe my weekend was fairly decent. Me an Robert took the kids an there 2 cousins to the movies to see Rango. It was Kennedy's first time to the big screen. She did great! no fussing or talking to much. She was scared of the chair though hahaha i guess she thought it was going to fold her in so she stayed in mine or Roberts lap. Then Saturday we just hung out playing a little catch with the football and catching up on laundry. Made a home made buttermilk pie Sunday and just layed around watching TV. Ive decided butter milk pie is my specialty!! hehe So i have to say over all my weekend was a good one!!

  Haven't gotten very far on my wedding plans still =( kinda been put on hold at the moment. Really hoping everything works its way out and comes together soon. Not really sure what to say on the situation.... its been a bumpy road an seems to only be getting worse but i have faith its going to go wonderfully in May. I love him very much an i know he loves me just as much. Just have to work the kinks out i guess. I know no ones relationship is perfect an it takes work on both sides an we are working on that. I'm sure it can be difficult being thrown such a responsibility as having to be 3 kids daddy an not having a clue on how to parent and never having any kids of your own. I have to give him so much credit though. He tires everyday an has made alot of effort to connect with all the kids. We are all still learning. It didn't take the kids long to enjoy having another male here. They are aware Robert is not there biological dad but know well enough there biological dad walked out on them and they have accepted Roberts love. The kids never ask about Chris anymore and cant say i blame them. Our last conversation was horrible!! He said he was done calling the kids. Said they never acted like they had anything to say an it just wasted his time. Well what does he expect them to say?? They have been through so much thanks to him being a dead beat dad. Anyways i hate to harp on it an I'm trying to stay positive.
 
   So both boys will be having surgery this week on there teeth. Thank goodness its spring break an there will be no school missed. Aaron's will be tomorrow in Dallas. Robert will be accompanying us for that one. I'm still no fan of driving in Dallas if i don't have too an worse if i have no clue where i am going haha. Thursday is Cameron's an i believe Roberts sister will be meeting me in Kaufman for his. Nothing major just a cap or 2. They will be putting them to sleep for it which makes me super nervous. I'm sure any mom would feel the same way? I try and not be so paranoid but I'm the super careful mom who runs to the doctor as soon as someone has a runny nose hehe I'm  getting better. Helps having an ems around the house ;) well he use to be till he moved here an became an awesome crane mechanic lol or whatever it is he exactly does?? I still get confused on what he does. Hopefully this job will help land us our own house in a month or two.
 
  Well I'm in need for a monster so i shall be making my way to the store. Will be updating on how kids surgery goes in a few days. =)


 

K is for kennedy

 So yesterday decided to take a mommy and daughter outing. We went and had lunch at chili's...totally her idea by the way ;) then off to the mall to do some window shopping. Well it began as a window shopping but wandered of into Claire's an well we kinda got excited!! Purchased Kennedy her very first necklace which is beautiful!! Its her initial, K. Ill post pick. Also picked up some  new earrings. Was buy 2 get 1 free so i got me a couple pairs too lol figured heck why not i did pay for lunch :p We had such a great time together. Yes i am aware i spend every waking moment with the child but yesterday was different. It was special <3<3
  I also started tanning yesterday woohoo lol gotta have that tan done by end of May for the big day!!! Wasn't really suppose to start till next month buuut i got bored. Robert should be back home Thursday thank goodness. Ive been going nuts without him here to pester. He left for Texas City Sunday morning for his job. Figured it would be a great break for us. I know i have enjoyed the time but 2 days is enough its time to come home.
  On another note today is my 18th day of being smoke free YAY go me right!! Its been a challenge but not as bad as i thought it was going to be. i feel great!! An to go with my new change i started running today too. Well i wouldnt consider it a true run...more like a jog/ walk haha. Got a mile under my belt an we will see how tomorrow goes. Well i think thats all i got for tonight. im pretty beat. thinking hot bath then bed. =)

Just another day

 So i was messing around on here trying to spoof up my page a little an looking at the different things people have done to theirs when i ran across "edit post" and since i have no clue as to what i am doing i clicked on it. It showed old drafts that where never published. One read the last 8 years or something like that. It was hard reading it....apparently it was written right before Chris moved or right after he moved. Either way it was before i knew of the affair. I'm not sure if id want to post it now but it was so rich with emotion i almost hate not to. its very detailed an kinda puts you where i was the last 8 years. I'm sure before its all said and done ill end up posting. Its crazy how things can change so quickly and to look back a year ago to see the changes almost makes me want to throw up. Yeah not a great feeling i know lol. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying that change is bad but it def was unexpected. I still wake up from time to time thinking really??? Oh today is an emotional one for some reason. Started last night when i couldn't sleep. To many thoughts an to many emotions all about to boil over. I'm feeling a much needed vaca soon. I need some time to myself. Time to really put things in prospective. In just a few short months there will be even more changes. Am i ready? I think so. Scared? A little but who isn't before they get married an remarried at that. Suppose to be getting things done but i don't even know where to start. Seems overwhelming an wish i had someone to step up an take control for a bit. I'm not very good at getting organized an getting things done in time lol

   oh anyways on to the next thing. I am on my 14th day of being smoke free!!! Thank you thank you =) I never thought i would have gotten this far without hurting someone but so far no blood has been shed ha ha I have to give my oldest credit for this. Apparently the school teaches kids these days that cigarettes are drugs an they kill people. Yes i know that's all true but they make it sound like it has a knife an is wondering the streets at night killing people. So every time i went outside to light up C would say " mom when are you going to quit cause your going to die if you don't" an hearing this come from my 7 year olds mouth just made me wanna cry. I don't want you to die of cancer mommy. Hearing this is a kinda hard to swallow an seeing the pain in your child's eyes changes alot. SOOOO me an C had an agreement i would stop. A pinky promise to be exact. For those of you who don't know what a pinky promise or pinky swear is...its where you stick your pinky out an wrap it around another pinky in my case it was my sons, an you make an agreement then after saying it you say i pinky promise or pinky swear whichever an there ya go! But never take a pinky promise lightly. Its still your word even though it sounds silly so stick by your word. As for me it was the most difficult thing I've had to do in a long time. But i think if it wouldn't have been for that pinky promise id still be smoking today. So thank you son for helping me kick the habit.

Definition of Greed...My Ex.

Her 1st time to the beach!

Well received a letter in the mail from Chris's attorney yesterday saying they wanted to hold me in contempt for not signing forms saying he is entitled to 1 half of my child tax exemption. Wow really? I'm blown away right now. Not only has he dropped my kids insurance 2 months ago but also is behind on child support. I could go on an on about this like how he hardly ever calls the kids he doesn't take them when the papers say he can. ooh like for thanksgiving which he went to the Bahama's but couldn't see his kids. He says he cant afford to help pay for school pictures or pay for soccer or school supplies or school clothes or how about when i called in January asking him to help pay for a 195.00 prescription for C but said no or how about A's 200.00 glasses..think he helped pay for those?? Nope. He suppose to pay half of all medical yet he doesn't i do. He doesn't do anything really yet he wants  half of the income tax i receive. Just doesn't make any sense now does it. Greed. Selfish. That's all it is. All he can worry about is money when he should be calling an asking what can he do, how are the kids, how is school. He is missing so many important things in the kids life an all he can think about is money an what he thinks he deserves. Think he was around the first time C read a book all by himself with no help?? Or A's first soccer goal?? How about Kk's first time sticking her toes in the sand at the beach?? The list grows everyday an it makes me sad. How can you act like your own kids don'texist?? I am aware i have no way of knowing what Chris feels but from anyone looking in on this including his own family can see Chris has given up on being a father to his kids. The day he walked out is the day he washed his hands i guess. Out of sight out of mind. I cant say i mind being the one who goes to all there games an school functions going to the hundred doctor, dentist, or eye appointments. teacher parent conferences getting up all through the night cause of fever or a belly ache. Washing a million loads of laundry a week, picking out anything green out of supper cause eww its gross an filling up the pantry with millions of after school snacks cause mom you promised. Saying okay its your turn to play the wii but only 30 Mins. i have to be the mom the dad the good guy the bad guy i have to be everything. I'm mommy an nothing can compare to the love i have an share with my kids. I wake up every morning an see there precious faces an i kiss there tiny lips every night before bed. They know ill never leave ill never walk out ill never abandon them. I always hug them even when I'm mad i always say im sorry when im wrong i always say i love you even if I'm just running to the store an right back. So yes I'm mad I'm beyond mad right now. How dare you want to take food from there mouths take what isn't yours that money is NOT yours. I will defend my kids an stand up for whats theres. I am there voice an i will scream. Okay i believe i am done venting. oh an some random info i am on my 13th day of being smoke free. its also raining like crazy outside =)I went to an ARD meeting for C's speech today an was glad to hear all the wonderful things everyone had to say about him. Hes so smart an sweet he is ahead of his class etc. Sorry if anything is out of place or spelled wrong. Just not in the mood to make it look perfect im sure you will understand. An other then all that mess today is pretty decent. Welp gotta go lay miss kk down for her nap an make me some lunch =)

well it sure has been a long time!

My wonderful little family!

I don't even know where to start haha geez i forgot all about this account until someone posted on facebook a link to what actually a very sad blog. But then remembered i did in fact have an account an after sending an "i lost my password" msg here i am!! So much has changed since my last post. Well after chris moved to PA we divorced. Decided this that following Nov right after he came down for C's birthday. That is a long story an wont go there...for now. I'm still living in east Texas. I quit walmart last July when i kids went to visit there daddy in PA an currently not working. I stay home with miss kk who is now 2 1/2 an so far my wildest child! I am ENGAGED to a wonderful man. My kids love him as he loves them too. Its been a challenge for everyone to adjust but we are getting there. The boys are doing pretty good. C was diagnosed with ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) back when school started.He takes medications which i was def against for so long but now an happy to say it works! Mr A also is taking meds for ADHD and his teacher says its a miracle drug for him =) both boys are doing great in school an couldn't be happier. I am going out of my mind being a stay at home mom but should be thankful that i am able to. I am glad i ran across this again. will def give me something to do lol So that is the quick version of where i am these days. Look forward to posting more soon. yay i am back!