Well today was aarons dental surgery an everything went very well minus the whole doing it alone thing. I know it sounds childish but i hate feeling like a single mommy. Sometimes i like to pat myself on the back an say damn right i got this i am mommy an daddy an i can do this all by myself....then there are days im so worn down i just want to climb into a closet an cry or scream. I feel guilty when i feel this way. I cant help it sometimes. I just get so down on myself =( i get tired. I feel hate sometimes for chris on days like these. Like why did you have to leave me alone to do this by myself. Now dont get me wrong by no means am i saying i miss him....i just miss the help. Robert tries an i know i probably dont give him enough credit an i know im probably to hard on him when it comes to the kids. I just want my kids to be loved all the time i want them to have someone to look up too someone who wants to take them out to play ball an the idea come from them not me shoving it down there throat. I know i have more then enough love for my kids but still kills me the one man in there life thats suppose to never let them down just walked out an has nothing to do with them. There trust is gone. They just want some male attention someone to call daddy....
I think i have hit a negative wall in my life. I feel like i deserve alot more then what im getting. Call me selfish i dont care. Is it to much to ask to have someone who loves you even the you thats not so pretty or perfect. To have someone grab your hand when your scared or to hold you at 3am wiping away tears an saying im here for you. I want to feel safe i want someone to have the answers an if they dont have them find them. Comfort me when im sad, lead me when im lost, forgive me when im wrong. I know im alot to handle an im so sorry for what i am. I cant help it. Nobody likes to be sad,angry, scared or all of the above at the drop of a hat for no apparent reason. Yes im prolly in need of my medication these days. But who has time when you have 3 kids. Im constantly running them around to this doctor or this dentist or this school thing or this or that. I dont have time to fix me. I know im going to have to make time...its just hard to make that time. im constantly going an when i do have a moment to myself i just want to lay in bed an sleep. How did i let life get ahead of me =( How did i let my happiness walk out on me or hell why did i chase my happiness away. Im in such a dark state right now i pray to god to give me some peace an to be patience with me. Im running as fast as i can but my feet arent moving. Im def rambling at this point but i have to get this out before i implode...yes i said implode. Im not allowed to break down or not atleast in front of anyone. Have to be strong an smile....
Hold me now i need to feel relief,
like i never wanted anything,
I suppose I'll let this go and find a reason I'll hold on to,
I'm so ashamed of defeat,
And I'm out of reason to believe in me,
I'm out of trying to get by,
I'm so afraid of the gift you give me,
I don't belong here and I'm not well,
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all
I can't face myself when I wake up
And look inside a mirror
I'm so ashamed of that thing
I suppose I'll let it go
Until I have something more to say for me
I'm so afraid of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to defy,
I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all
Hold me now I need to feel complete
Like I matter to the one I need
I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all
Now I'm ashamed of this
I am so ashamed of this
Now I'm so ashamed of me
I am so ashamed of me...
The Gift-Seether
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