Its been awhile

well here Iam again. Its been awhile since i have gotten on to spill my thought an emotions an thought hell why not today lol Alot has changed in just the short amount of time i have been nonexistent on here. Chris has moved to Pennsylvania for a job. Its been a little stressful but made me realize how much i appreciate everything he does for me an the kids. I bad many melt downs after he left but im getting better. He is down right now but just for a few days. But im happy to spend some time with him an he will be here for C's bday party tomorrow. Yes C turned 6 nov 3rd. So hard to believe he is already 6!

Speaking of things hard to believe he seems that A is starting to have some problems in Prek. He isnt wanting to follow rules which i guess at that age it happens. But he had ISS the other day which seemed a lil strange to me considering he is only 4! an only goes to school for 3 hours a day. When did they find time to put him there??? Anyways im trying to find where the problems are coming from, is it chris being away, is it something im doing wrong? Have i failed my kids an dont see it?? Its been hard on me an i have been hard on myself. I just want my kids to be good as of all parents do. I just wonder if im missing something sometimes. I know my job dosent help but trust me if i didnt have to work i wouldnt. But what do i do?

Oh i have so much more to write but i hear Kk waking from her nap so better go. I shall return with more drama an sob stories =) lol

What a boring monday

So today im totally draggin ass. Did not want to fall out of bed for nothing. Was late getting the kids up for school an failed to make a good breakfast lol but they eat at school as well so its alright? I raced to the bus stop hurried the kids onto the bus an raced back to the house just in time for KK to be wide awake. =( So much for going back to sleep for a couple hours lol but i still managed to lay in bed till 10. Then had to go get A from prek an whats up with only going to school for 3 hours?? I never got that. Not to mention its not like living in jacksboro where everything is walkin distance but I have almost a 20 min drive to the school so it sucks. But he did manage to get a sticker today so felt like he deserved a slush from the sonic which seemed to make everyone happy but miss K. She about ripped a chunck of A's hair out for a drink lol

OK so anywho that's my day so far so exciting huh next exciting thing should be changing a poopy diaper soon I'm sure. She has that look in her eyes that say yeah I'm workin on a poop whatcha staring at lol nice huh! OOOhh almost forgot about my weekend! I was fabulous! My sister came allllll the way down to see me. Which actually turned out not to be as far as we thought lol But we got to hang out for about an hour an she got to see the kids. It was nice getting to see her an it was the highlight of my weekend =) Now if she can only make plans in jtown with me sat nite that would be even better. So after getting see to her i was in a pretty good mood an decided to set down with Chris down by the lake with a fire going an fish for a little while. Turned out alright other then there was no fish caught that night but we got to spend some time away from the kids alone which never happens so it was good. Ok so that's all the exciting your gonna get from me at the moment. lol I think its time for nap =)

cookies n cream makes a sweet dream ha!

So i just got off work an now im stuffin my face with cookies an cream ice cream yuummy. yes i know whaat a treat at 12am lol But it sounded good so I decided I would get some an do a late nite blog hehe Work was alright short but cant say it was a bad day. For those who don't know where I work I work at Walmart in the electronics department an connections an photo! Not my dream job but it keeps me stacked up on ice cream. My oldest thinks its the coolest job ever! He even told me one day " mommy i wanna work at walmart when i grow up" lol ok ya have to understand he is 5 going on 6 next month an not to mention he is addicted to playstation 3. So he thinks my job consist of playing with the games all day haha Though that would be kinda cool. =)

So anyways i have been workin ohh maybe an hour an half when i get a phone call from Chris. I was kinda like waaait a minute he is calling from the house phone an well its like 7:17pm an yeah A has a soccer game at 7:30 so slowly pull my phone out of hiding an softly say hello, what the hell are you doing why aren't u at the game! He then informs me he is in a crappy mood an don't start with him lol so i ask him to hurry an explain in less then 10 seconds cause if i get caught on my phone might get in trouble. So he says well A decided he didn't want to do soccer pictures an makes a big scene in front of everyone screaming an crying an latched on to his leg an wouldn't let go for dear life. So Chris said he just said fine lets just go home. I obviously didn't have time to gripe so i said oh well hope your night goes a little better talk to you when i get off. I didn't like how the situation was handled an i hate that my stupid job has me at the worst hours possible with having 3 kids. I miss everything =( needless to say i felt bad for A. He is only four an he wont even really play at his games he just kinda runs around like a lost puppy then runs to the side lines an latches to our legs. So i know by Chris just bringing him home an missing his game he wasn't missing anything. But still i feel like if i would have been there i would have atleast tried to get him to play for a little bit despite how pictures didn't go as planes 45 mins prior to that. But i wasn't there an it wasn't my nerves that was wearing thin.

Kids are so crazy sometimes. My boys couldn't be more different then each other. C is all over the place running like crazy not shy a bit. Then ya got my baby A who is terrified of everything. Then ya got miss thang who is as crazy as my boys haha OHH yeah so i have this crazy obsession with buying her shoes an yeah this is kinda random but anyways. If ya could only see her face light up when she See's a pair of shoes ok. Yes i know she is only 15 months but the girl lovessss her shoes. Screams an throws wild fits till you put some on her. She has like 10 pair of shoes an well i seen the cutest pair of pink boots ya know the ones with the pom pom balls on the laces well i just had to buy them. I really tried to walk away but i just kept thinking man if i don't buy them now they may not be here next week hehe I cant help it i think i have a problem lol Oh well cant ever have to many pairs of shoes. Ill put a pic up tomorrow of these oh so adorable boots. Well anyhow my ice cream is melting an i need to get to bed soon. Tune in tomorrow for some more exciting stories hehe

Just another day for madness!

Well today started out alright. KK actually let me sleep in this morning so no complaints there. But i still cant help but feel a though something is still missing? I keep questioning my motives in life these days an its bringing me down. Why i cant just leave the past where it belongs i have no idea but i feel like its in the back of my mind for a reason. I feel a little sad about some situations. I feel a little bit of everything these days. Guilt, shame,embarrassment, confused. Guess we could just call that depression. I think im just in rut but ill get through it just gotta find whats causing me to tick. Living waaay over here away from everything i know hasnt been easy for me. I havent adapted an i cant call this place home. I know being here is good for me but i feel so alone. I have been listening to that new kelly clarkson song already gone an it hit a nerve or something. Flooded memories came rushing an wasnt to prepared for what memories it dragged back up. I always hated goodbyes but sometimes its the right thing. Made me think of the last year an how goodbye was an everyday thing in my life. People come an go an it sometimes that person takes a part of you with them. So ya cant help but think of them every now an again. I tried to forget certain people but my heart refuses to give it up. Why is that? I dont understand it. I just want to make things right with my past but its not within my reach an maybe i should leave it alone. If ya light a match there will be fire. But still its tugging at the back of my mind. i cant let it go. I wonder if some of my choices were right or wrong. Or did i just do what everyone thought was right? Im not suppose to be second guessing my own motives but im lost right now. Guess that wasnt to hard to see with my rambling an talking in circles today. I just want peace in my heart. I want forgiveness. I became the very person i despised before i left that lovely town i call home. I never meant to hurt anyone. Today im struggling an im letting my thoughts get the best of me. I hate feeling weak. I also hate having to much time to actually set an do nothing but think. Im all over the place today lol I was diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder) at the age of 15. I try an not let it control me but some days are worst then others. Ahhh i hate it! Think happy thoughts think happy thoughts lol For the most part i am an extremely happy person honest. I just let my crazy mixed up thoughts get the best of me. Following my blogs will be a challenge lol never know if im going up or down or side to side. hope its worth reading though. Im actually letting a Hugh wall down writing all this down...kinda personal an weird to be airing it all out on the net but maybe will feel better to get it out? Either way my day to day writing will be interesting i think. Well got somewhat full day today. Boys have soccer pics an A has a game at 7:30pm which i have to miss cause of work =( but chris really enjoys being the main parent these days lol Laundry is calling my name an KK's bed is calling hers hehe Yaay i just cracked a smile. Well ill end this with a quote that goes perfect with what im battling =)

In any moment of decision the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing. -Theodore Roosevelt

just a mix of everything to start us off

So im not real sure how this whole bloggin things work but ill give it a poke. Well I would like to start with when my life began. November 3rd 2003. No this is not the day i was born but its when my life really started. He was 8lbs 13 oz an 21 in. long. He was a big one haha. I knew the moment i laid eyes on him everything in my life was going to have to change an i was ready for that change. I have always been a little different then everyone in my family. I am an emotional roller coaster ready for the waterworks. I can cry about anything you name it lol But its my nature. to feel things so powerful an beyond the norm as i would call it. What some might consider an great feeling i feel the same feeling but 10 times more. Im sensitive i guess lol Im scared of change an at that time well having a baby would be considered a very big change an i was ready. I think it calmed me down for a little while. But my old self still creeps up every now an again. An well 2 more kids later i still cant comprehend change as much as i would like. I want to embrace change an be happy about it. But my mind cant wrap its way around alot of things an i get a lil scared. I have learned so much over the past 6 years an im still learning. Yeah there is a big gap between 6 yrs an now but trust me i got plenty more to write about. Trying to stick to the basics till i get the hang this blogging thing lol But one day at a time is what iam working towards. I hate worrying so much an i cant stop my mind from racing 95% of the time an its taking over my life. Im the kind of person of who wants to feel in control of things all the time. My thoughts, my emotions, an situtations. An when i cant i go into panic mode an literally have anxiety attacks. Its the worse feeling in the world. I have had an axiety disorder since the age of 14 an have come a long way an had tons of progress. Its nothing like it use to be an i am thankful for how far i have come. But i still feel like a prisoner in my own head sometimes. An these last few months have been at there worst. I have never felt so out of control. An i try so hard to climb out of my head for my kids sake but sometimes im not to successful. I feel like i have hit a brick wall an im battling demons i dont want to face. So i climb in an hide and wait for it to pass. An it does an my bad days go by unnoticed an i can live for a little while. Its a good feeling. I love the warm fuzzies ya get when everything is going the way you want an your so happy you could jump out of your own skin. Those are the days i love. To see my babygirl smile gives me peace i have never felt before an i can feel myself smiling so big it makes my face hurt. Or to see my oldest make his first field goal at his soccer game an his face light up. An my middle child who is now in prek vocab is getting so big an the things he says just puts a smile on your face when your having the worst day. Mommy i can count to ten now im such a bigger kid now huh mom. hehe Yes baby your such a bigger kid now =) I think thats how i get through my days an actually i know thats how i get through my days. Well again i have no clue if im suppose to be writing about today or tomorrow or last week so im just writing. past present an future i guess lol def more to come though!