not everyday is bad =)

 So far today has been pretty decent. Poor cam still hurting =( an Aaron's nose is still gushing blood every hour. I'm pretty sure I'm wore out. And being tired is an understatement!! I swear it feels as tho I have ran myself into the ground all week. Suppose to be going to Jacksboro this evening when Robert gets off work. Haven't decided if its going to make things worse or me more tired but i feel i need to see my mom an sisters. So as of right now Kennedy has not taken a nap an hopefully will sleep the 3 hour trip there!! I know I kept This pretty short but my eyes are closing with no warning lol i need to lay down now.............

My heart stopped beating for a minute

 So today was Cameron's surgery date. Got up at 4:30am an was out the door by 5:20am. Cam pretty much slept the whole way there an even slept while they took him back to put him to sleep ha ha yes he was already asleep when they put the mask on him. I guess it was about 8:30am when they finally  took him back. They called me in the waiting room to keep me updated. After about an hour or so the dentist who did the procedure came in and told me everything went very well that he got 4 crowns on his molars an should be good to go. Told me once they got him more awake they would call me back to recovery. Then the anesthesiologist came in an said Cameron did very well and that he was being slow coming out of it but would be able to go see him in about 10 or 15 Mins. Not even 5 mins later he comes running out waving for me to follow. When I get back there all I hear is a loud groggy noise which comes to be my 7 year old son fighting to breath. I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest. They tell me his tonsils have swollen up after pulling the tubes out an he is not breathing very well on his own!! The stats or whatever they were calling them which I'm guessing is the oxygen in his blood needed to stay above 93% yet it kept dropping down to the 80's. I was terrified an watching the doctors kinda panic made me panic. The kept pressing there thumbs into his neck behind his ears to help him breath. Looked painful an well turned out to be painful once he awoke. The doctors just kept saying we need to keep stimulating him to keep his airway open. After a few hours we finally got him stable and they moved up back upstairs to a room. Even after getting him upstairs he didn't wake up right away. Luckily Melissa showed up(robs sister) an helped me stay sane while they yelled WAKE UP over an over an over again. They kept trying to stimulate Cameron but he fell back into the troubled breathing we experienced downstairs. The nurse said he was pausing between breaths to long and called the doctor to come up. He came in an said it was crucial i get him to an ENT asap like that day if possible but if not i need t get in touch first thing in the AM and get him in. Said the tonsils have to come out real soon or could cause lots of health problems. He asked me to call cams pediatrician right then an there an let him talk to her but it was lunch time so no answer. He even left me his personal number to give her when i finally reached someone. They said the more Cameron woke up the better he would be an the easier he would be able to breath. I watched my baby gasp off an on for hours. It was devastating an scary. I prayed god would watch over him and keep him safe. He answered my prayers =) After several cold wet rags an drinks of apple juice an a few loud CAMERON WAKE UP OPEN YOUR EYES he finally came around. He had slept so long an was still so drugged up he had a tiny accident an thank goodness Melissa had come because she was so nice enough to go an buy Cameron some underwear an shorts to wear home. The nurses even gave him 2 dollars to buy an ice cream on the way home which made his day. I don't think he will have much memory of the whole incident an I'm glad. We are home an he seems to be okay. Says his throat is still pretty sore which makes me super nervous. Pretty sure he will be bunking with mom tonight in her bed. Tomorrow morning we shall be calling the doc an getting a referral to an ENT and getting this straightened out. I don't think i could take another episode like that. It was almost as if he had swallowed a baseball an was trying to breath with it lodged right in his throat =( mommy stayed strong but i don't ever want to feel that way again. My baby was watched over an i have to thank god he is safe an home.

   So on to the next thing!! Finally get home just in time for Robert to call an say hey i have your car running an I'm driving it home. Not 30 mins later he is calling saying he is broke down on the side of the road about 30 or 40 mins away. ugh really could this day get any worse!!! So he has to call a wrecker to come get him an the wonderful car. Talk about great frigging day. Not to mention the tension between everyone in the house.... I'm pretty sure we have over stayed our welcome at my parents......I'm tired i need to lay down so until next time ahhhhhh!!!!! =)

feels like a monday uhh

 As you know obviously it is not a Monday. In fact it is a Wednesday!! A crappy one so far at that. last night wasn't all that great an this morning was even worse =( I tried to explain why i give up last night to Robert. Yes give up. I'm tired. Tired of being tired. We fight we get along we love we hate and now we move on. Well i say that now but I'm not real sure what to do. How do you tell someone you feel like your not getting everything you deserve emotionally an anything else that goes along with that WITHOUT hurting there feelings? I never mean to hurt anyone an the only explanation i have is I'm asking for to much from him. Its simply me being selfish an i want more. This all sounds so mean but that's not the way I'm intending it. I guess i feel as though I'm settling maybe i guess ohh i don't know. I love him so damn much but we just cant get it right. He has his demons an apparently i have mine. I'm sorry i wont go into details of anything to do with my relationship well cause its mine. I wish i had someone to call someone to say hey I'm unhappy give me good advise or tell me how to fix it. What a mess I'm in huh...
 
   An for this morning well it was crappy. Kennedy manage to have oatmeal from one end of the kitchen to the other an all over her. Made me really mad an i was a little harsh about it. i know its not her fault I'm tired an aggravated. I feel like sometimes the kids get the bad end of my moods. They know i love them more then life itself. Ive got to get ahold of myself. Ive to be better. But how where do i start.... ugh its to early for this.

  Okay so I'm on here again today lol its been a good afternoon an I'm feeling good. Went to the dentist to have a tooth pulled ouch but apparently i have an abscess so they wouldn't pull it. No complaints i guess i hate having teeth pulled but i hate setting in pain too. I don't know but i go back next week to have it pulled so ill worry about that later ha ha. i went an tanned earlier an bout to get up an get ready to take the boys to there check up appointment in Greenville an take them to eat at Chili's yummy they will be as happy as i am about that =) sooo just wanted to say today has started looking up...i don't feel so down an that makes me happy.

life isn't fair....im tired

 Well today was aarons dental surgery an everything went very well minus the whole doing it alone thing. I know it sounds childish but i hate feeling like a single mommy. Sometimes i like to pat myself on the back an say damn right i got this i am mommy an daddy an i can do this all by myself....then there are days im so worn down i just want to climb into a closet an cry or scream. I feel guilty when i feel this way. I cant help it sometimes. I just get so down on myself =( i get tired. I feel hate sometimes for chris on days like these. Like why did you have to leave me alone to do this by myself. Now dont get me wrong by no means am i saying i miss him....i just miss the help. Robert tries an i know i probably dont give him enough credit an i know im probably to hard on him when  it comes to the kids. I just want my kids to be loved all the time i want them to have someone to look up too someone who wants to take them out to play ball an the idea come from them not me shoving it down there throat. I know i have more then enough love for my kids but still kills me the one man in there life thats suppose to never let them down just walked out an has nothing to do with them. There trust is gone. They just want some male attention someone to call daddy....

   I think i have hit a negative wall in my life. I feel like i deserve alot more then what im getting. Call me selfish i dont care. Is it to much to ask to have someone who loves you even the you thats not so pretty or perfect. To have someone grab your hand when your scared or to hold you at 3am wiping away tears an saying im here for you. I want to feel safe i want someone to have the answers an if they dont have them find them. Comfort me when im sad, lead me when im lost, forgive me when im wrong. I know im alot to handle an im so sorry for what i am. I cant help it. Nobody likes to be sad,angry, scared or all of the above at the drop of a hat for no apparent reason. Yes im prolly in need of my medication these days. But who has time when you have 3 kids. Im constantly running them around to this doctor or this dentist or this school thing or this or that. I dont have time to fix me. I know im going to have to make time...its just hard to make that time. im constantly going an when i do have a moment to myself i just want to lay in bed an sleep. How did i let life get ahead of me =( How did i let my happiness walk out on me or hell why did i chase my happiness away. Im in such a dark state right now i pray to god to give me some peace an to be patience with me. Im running as fast as i can but my feet arent moving. Im def rambling at this point but i have to get this out before i implode...yes i said implode. Im not allowed to break down or not atleast in front of anyone. Have to be strong an smile....

  Hold me now i need to feel relief,
  like i never wanted anything,
  I suppose I'll let this go and find a reason I'll hold on to,
  I'm so ashamed of defeat,
 And I'm out of reason to believe in me,
 I'm out of trying to get by,
 I'm so afraid of the gift you give me,
 I don't belong here and I'm not well,
 I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
 Right on the wrong side of it all
 I can't face myself when I wake up
 And look inside a mirror
  I'm so ashamed of that thing
I suppose I'll let it go
Until I have something more to say for me
I'm so afraid of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to defy,
I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all
Hold me now I need to feel complete
Like I matter to the one I need
I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all

Now I'm ashamed of this
I am so ashamed of this
Now I'm so ashamed of me
I am so ashamed of me...
        The Gift-Seether

Gonna run as far as my feet will allow me

 Well i do believe my weekend was fairly decent. Me an Robert took the kids an there 2 cousins to the movies to see Rango. It was Kennedy's first time to the big screen. She did great! no fussing or talking to much. She was scared of the chair though hahaha i guess she thought it was going to fold her in so she stayed in mine or Roberts lap. Then Saturday we just hung out playing a little catch with the football and catching up on laundry. Made a home made buttermilk pie Sunday and just layed around watching TV. Ive decided butter milk pie is my specialty!! hehe So i have to say over all my weekend was a good one!!

  Haven't gotten very far on my wedding plans still =( kinda been put on hold at the moment. Really hoping everything works its way out and comes together soon. Not really sure what to say on the situation.... its been a bumpy road an seems to only be getting worse but i have faith its going to go wonderfully in May. I love him very much an i know he loves me just as much. Just have to work the kinks out i guess. I know no ones relationship is perfect an it takes work on both sides an we are working on that. I'm sure it can be difficult being thrown such a responsibility as having to be 3 kids daddy an not having a clue on how to parent and never having any kids of your own. I have to give him so much credit though. He tires everyday an has made alot of effort to connect with all the kids. We are all still learning. It didn't take the kids long to enjoy having another male here. They are aware Robert is not there biological dad but know well enough there biological dad walked out on them and they have accepted Roberts love. The kids never ask about Chris anymore and cant say i blame them. Our last conversation was horrible!! He said he was done calling the kids. Said they never acted like they had anything to say an it just wasted his time. Well what does he expect them to say?? They have been through so much thanks to him being a dead beat dad. Anyways i hate to harp on it an I'm trying to stay positive.
 
   So both boys will be having surgery this week on there teeth. Thank goodness its spring break an there will be no school missed. Aaron's will be tomorrow in Dallas. Robert will be accompanying us for that one. I'm still no fan of driving in Dallas if i don't have too an worse if i have no clue where i am going haha. Thursday is Cameron's an i believe Roberts sister will be meeting me in Kaufman for his. Nothing major just a cap or 2. They will be putting them to sleep for it which makes me super nervous. I'm sure any mom would feel the same way? I try and not be so paranoid but I'm the super careful mom who runs to the doctor as soon as someone has a runny nose hehe I'm  getting better. Helps having an ems around the house ;) well he use to be till he moved here an became an awesome crane mechanic lol or whatever it is he exactly does?? I still get confused on what he does. Hopefully this job will help land us our own house in a month or two.
 
  Well I'm in need for a monster so i shall be making my way to the store. Will be updating on how kids surgery goes in a few days. =)


 

K is for kennedy

 So yesterday decided to take a mommy and daughter outing. We went and had lunch at chili's...totally her idea by the way ;) then off to the mall to do some window shopping. Well it began as a window shopping but wandered of into Claire's an well we kinda got excited!! Purchased Kennedy her very first necklace which is beautiful!! Its her initial, K. Ill post pick. Also picked up some  new earrings. Was buy 2 get 1 free so i got me a couple pairs too lol figured heck why not i did pay for lunch :p We had such a great time together. Yes i am aware i spend every waking moment with the child but yesterday was different. It was special <3<3
  I also started tanning yesterday woohoo lol gotta have that tan done by end of May for the big day!!! Wasn't really suppose to start till next month buuut i got bored. Robert should be back home Thursday thank goodness. Ive been going nuts without him here to pester. He left for Texas City Sunday morning for his job. Figured it would be a great break for us. I know i have enjoyed the time but 2 days is enough its time to come home.
  On another note today is my 18th day of being smoke free YAY go me right!! Its been a challenge but not as bad as i thought it was going to be. i feel great!! An to go with my new change i started running today too. Well i wouldnt consider it a true run...more like a jog/ walk haha. Got a mile under my belt an we will see how tomorrow goes. Well i think thats all i got for tonight. im pretty beat. thinking hot bath then bed. =)