just a mix of everything to start us off

So im not real sure how this whole bloggin things work but ill give it a poke. Well I would like to start with when my life began. November 3rd 2003. No this is not the day i was born but its when my life really started. He was 8lbs 13 oz an 21 in. long. He was a big one haha. I knew the moment i laid eyes on him everything in my life was going to have to change an i was ready for that change. I have always been a little different then everyone in my family. I am an emotional roller coaster ready for the waterworks. I can cry about anything you name it lol But its my nature. to feel things so powerful an beyond the norm as i would call it. What some might consider an great feeling i feel the same feeling but 10 times more. Im sensitive i guess lol Im scared of change an at that time well having a baby would be considered a very big change an i was ready. I think it calmed me down for a little while. But my old self still creeps up every now an again. An well 2 more kids later i still cant comprehend change as much as i would like. I want to embrace change an be happy about it. But my mind cant wrap its way around alot of things an i get a lil scared. I have learned so much over the past 6 years an im still learning. Yeah there is a big gap between 6 yrs an now but trust me i got plenty more to write about. Trying to stick to the basics till i get the hang this blogging thing lol But one day at a time is what iam working towards. I hate worrying so much an i cant stop my mind from racing 95% of the time an its taking over my life. Im the kind of person of who wants to feel in control of things all the time. My thoughts, my emotions, an situtations. An when i cant i go into panic mode an literally have anxiety attacks. Its the worse feeling in the world. I have had an axiety disorder since the age of 14 an have come a long way an had tons of progress. Its nothing like it use to be an i am thankful for how far i have come. But i still feel like a prisoner in my own head sometimes. An these last few months have been at there worst. I have never felt so out of control. An i try so hard to climb out of my head for my kids sake but sometimes im not to successful. I feel like i have hit a brick wall an im battling demons i dont want to face. So i climb in an hide and wait for it to pass. An it does an my bad days go by unnoticed an i can live for a little while. Its a good feeling. I love the warm fuzzies ya get when everything is going the way you want an your so happy you could jump out of your own skin. Those are the days i love. To see my babygirl smile gives me peace i have never felt before an i can feel myself smiling so big it makes my face hurt. Or to see my oldest make his first field goal at his soccer game an his face light up. An my middle child who is now in prek vocab is getting so big an the things he says just puts a smile on your face when your having the worst day. Mommy i can count to ten now im such a bigger kid now huh mom. hehe Yes baby your such a bigger kid now =) I think thats how i get through my days an actually i know thats how i get through my days. Well again i have no clue if im suppose to be writing about today or tomorrow or last week so im just writing. past present an future i guess lol def more to come though!