Well today started out alright. KK actually let me sleep in this morning so no complaints there. But i still cant help but feel a though something is still missing? I keep questioning my motives in life these days an its bringing me down. Why i cant just leave the past where it belongs i have no idea but i feel like its in the back of my mind for a reason. I feel a little sad about some situations. I feel a little bit of everything these days. Guilt, shame,embarrassment, confused. Guess we could just call that depression. I think im just in rut but ill get through it just gotta find whats causing me to tick. Living waaay over here away from everything i know hasnt been easy for me. I havent adapted an i cant call this place home. I know being here is good for me but i feel so alone. I have been listening to that new kelly clarkson song already gone an it hit a nerve or something. Flooded memories came rushing an wasnt to prepared for what memories it dragged back up. I always hated goodbyes but sometimes its the right thing. Made me think of the last year an how goodbye was an everyday thing in my life. People come an go an it sometimes that person takes a part of you with them. So ya cant help but think of them every now an again. I tried to forget certain people but my heart refuses to give it up. Why is that? I dont understand it. I just want to make things right with my past but its not within my reach an maybe i should leave it alone. If ya light a match there will be fire. But still its tugging at the back of my mind. i cant let it go. I wonder if some of my choices were right or wrong. Or did i just do what everyone thought was right? Im not suppose to be second guessing my own motives but im lost right now. Guess that wasnt to hard to see with my rambling an talking in circles today. I just want peace in my heart. I want forgiveness. I became the very person i despised before i left that lovely town i call home. I never meant to hurt anyone. Today im struggling an im letting my thoughts get the best of me. I hate feeling weak. I also hate having to much time to actually set an do nothing but think. Im all over the place today lol I was diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder) at the age of 15. I try an not let it control me but some days are worst then others. Ahhh i hate it! Think happy thoughts think happy thoughts lol For the most part i am an extremely happy person honest. I just let my crazy mixed up thoughts get the best of me. Following my blogs will be a challenge lol never know if im going up or down or side to side. hope its worth reading though. Im actually letting a Hugh wall down writing all this down...kinda personal an weird to be airing it all out on the net but maybe will feel better to get it out? Either way my day to day writing will be interesting i think. Well got somewhat full day today. Boys have soccer pics an A has a game at 7:30pm which i have to miss cause of work =( but chris really enjoys being the main parent these days lol Laundry is calling my name an KK's bed is calling hers hehe Yaay i just cracked a smile. Well ill end this with a quote that goes perfect with what im battling =)
In any moment of decision the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing. -Theodore Roosevelt
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