life isn't fair....im tired

 Well today was aarons dental surgery an everything went very well minus the whole doing it alone thing. I know it sounds childish but i hate feeling like a single mommy. Sometimes i like to pat myself on the back an say damn right i got this i am mommy an daddy an i can do this all by myself....then there are days im so worn down i just want to climb into a closet an cry or scream. I feel guilty when i feel this way. I cant help it sometimes. I just get so down on myself =( i get tired. I feel hate sometimes for chris on days like these. Like why did you have to leave me alone to do this by myself. Now dont get me wrong by no means am i saying i miss him....i just miss the help. Robert tries an i know i probably dont give him enough credit an i know im probably to hard on him when  it comes to the kids. I just want my kids to be loved all the time i want them to have someone to look up too someone who wants to take them out to play ball an the idea come from them not me shoving it down there throat. I know i have more then enough love for my kids but still kills me the one man in there life thats suppose to never let them down just walked out an has nothing to do with them. There trust is gone. They just want some male attention someone to call daddy....

   I think i have hit a negative wall in my life. I feel like i deserve alot more then what im getting. Call me selfish i dont care. Is it to much to ask to have someone who loves you even the you thats not so pretty or perfect. To have someone grab your hand when your scared or to hold you at 3am wiping away tears an saying im here for you. I want to feel safe i want someone to have the answers an if they dont have them find them. Comfort me when im sad, lead me when im lost, forgive me when im wrong. I know im alot to handle an im so sorry for what i am. I cant help it. Nobody likes to be sad,angry, scared or all of the above at the drop of a hat for no apparent reason. Yes im prolly in need of my medication these days. But who has time when you have 3 kids. Im constantly running them around to this doctor or this dentist or this school thing or this or that. I dont have time to fix me. I know im going to have to make time...its just hard to make that time. im constantly going an when i do have a moment to myself i just want to lay in bed an sleep. How did i let life get ahead of me =( How did i let my happiness walk out on me or hell why did i chase my happiness away. Im in such a dark state right now i pray to god to give me some peace an to be patience with me. Im running as fast as i can but my feet arent moving. Im def rambling at this point but i have to get this out before i implode...yes i said implode. Im not allowed to break down or not atleast in front of anyone. Have to be strong an smile....

  Hold me now i need to feel relief,
  like i never wanted anything,
  I suppose I'll let this go and find a reason I'll hold on to,
  I'm so ashamed of defeat,
 And I'm out of reason to believe in me,
 I'm out of trying to get by,
 I'm so afraid of the gift you give me,
 I don't belong here and I'm not well,
 I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
 Right on the wrong side of it all
 I can't face myself when I wake up
 And look inside a mirror
  I'm so ashamed of that thing
I suppose I'll let it go
Until I have something more to say for me
I'm so afraid of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to defy,
I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all
Hold me now I need to feel complete
Like I matter to the one I need
I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all

Now I'm ashamed of this
I am so ashamed of this
Now I'm so ashamed of me
I am so ashamed of me...
        The Gift-Seether

Gonna run as far as my feet will allow me

 Well i do believe my weekend was fairly decent. Me an Robert took the kids an there 2 cousins to the movies to see Rango. It was Kennedy's first time to the big screen. She did great! no fussing or talking to much. She was scared of the chair though hahaha i guess she thought it was going to fold her in so she stayed in mine or Roberts lap. Then Saturday we just hung out playing a little catch with the football and catching up on laundry. Made a home made buttermilk pie Sunday and just layed around watching TV. Ive decided butter milk pie is my specialty!! hehe So i have to say over all my weekend was a good one!!

  Haven't gotten very far on my wedding plans still =( kinda been put on hold at the moment. Really hoping everything works its way out and comes together soon. Not really sure what to say on the situation.... its been a bumpy road an seems to only be getting worse but i have faith its going to go wonderfully in May. I love him very much an i know he loves me just as much. Just have to work the kinks out i guess. I know no ones relationship is perfect an it takes work on both sides an we are working on that. I'm sure it can be difficult being thrown such a responsibility as having to be 3 kids daddy an not having a clue on how to parent and never having any kids of your own. I have to give him so much credit though. He tires everyday an has made alot of effort to connect with all the kids. We are all still learning. It didn't take the kids long to enjoy having another male here. They are aware Robert is not there biological dad but know well enough there biological dad walked out on them and they have accepted Roberts love. The kids never ask about Chris anymore and cant say i blame them. Our last conversation was horrible!! He said he was done calling the kids. Said they never acted like they had anything to say an it just wasted his time. Well what does he expect them to say?? They have been through so much thanks to him being a dead beat dad. Anyways i hate to harp on it an I'm trying to stay positive.
 
   So both boys will be having surgery this week on there teeth. Thank goodness its spring break an there will be no school missed. Aaron's will be tomorrow in Dallas. Robert will be accompanying us for that one. I'm still no fan of driving in Dallas if i don't have too an worse if i have no clue where i am going haha. Thursday is Cameron's an i believe Roberts sister will be meeting me in Kaufman for his. Nothing major just a cap or 2. They will be putting them to sleep for it which makes me super nervous. I'm sure any mom would feel the same way? I try and not be so paranoid but I'm the super careful mom who runs to the doctor as soon as someone has a runny nose hehe I'm  getting better. Helps having an ems around the house ;) well he use to be till he moved here an became an awesome crane mechanic lol or whatever it is he exactly does?? I still get confused on what he does. Hopefully this job will help land us our own house in a month or two.
 
  Well I'm in need for a monster so i shall be making my way to the store. Will be updating on how kids surgery goes in a few days. =)


 

K is for kennedy

 So yesterday decided to take a mommy and daughter outing. We went and had lunch at chili's...totally her idea by the way ;) then off to the mall to do some window shopping. Well it began as a window shopping but wandered of into Claire's an well we kinda got excited!! Purchased Kennedy her very first necklace which is beautiful!! Its her initial, K. Ill post pick. Also picked up some  new earrings. Was buy 2 get 1 free so i got me a couple pairs too lol figured heck why not i did pay for lunch :p We had such a great time together. Yes i am aware i spend every waking moment with the child but yesterday was different. It was special <3<3
  I also started tanning yesterday woohoo lol gotta have that tan done by end of May for the big day!!! Wasn't really suppose to start till next month buuut i got bored. Robert should be back home Thursday thank goodness. Ive been going nuts without him here to pester. He left for Texas City Sunday morning for his job. Figured it would be a great break for us. I know i have enjoyed the time but 2 days is enough its time to come home.
  On another note today is my 18th day of being smoke free YAY go me right!! Its been a challenge but not as bad as i thought it was going to be. i feel great!! An to go with my new change i started running today too. Well i wouldnt consider it a true run...more like a jog/ walk haha. Got a mile under my belt an we will see how tomorrow goes. Well i think thats all i got for tonight. im pretty beat. thinking hot bath then bed. =)

Just another day

 So i was messing around on here trying to spoof up my page a little an looking at the different things people have done to theirs when i ran across "edit post" and since i have no clue as to what i am doing i clicked on it. It showed old drafts that where never published. One read the last 8 years or something like that. It was hard reading it....apparently it was written right before Chris moved or right after he moved. Either way it was before i knew of the affair. I'm not sure if id want to post it now but it was so rich with emotion i almost hate not to. its very detailed an kinda puts you where i was the last 8 years. I'm sure before its all said and done ill end up posting. Its crazy how things can change so quickly and to look back a year ago to see the changes almost makes me want to throw up. Yeah not a great feeling i know lol. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying that change is bad but it def was unexpected. I still wake up from time to time thinking really??? Oh today is an emotional one for some reason. Started last night when i couldn't sleep. To many thoughts an to many emotions all about to boil over. I'm feeling a much needed vaca soon. I need some time to myself. Time to really put things in prospective. In just a few short months there will be even more changes. Am i ready? I think so. Scared? A little but who isn't before they get married an remarried at that. Suppose to be getting things done but i don't even know where to start. Seems overwhelming an wish i had someone to step up an take control for a bit. I'm not very good at getting organized an getting things done in time lol

   oh anyways on to the next thing. I am on my 14th day of being smoke free!!! Thank you thank you =) I never thought i would have gotten this far without hurting someone but so far no blood has been shed ha ha I have to give my oldest credit for this. Apparently the school teaches kids these days that cigarettes are drugs an they kill people. Yes i know that's all true but they make it sound like it has a knife an is wondering the streets at night killing people. So every time i went outside to light up C would say " mom when are you going to quit cause your going to die if you don't" an hearing this come from my 7 year olds mouth just made me wanna cry. I don't want you to die of cancer mommy. Hearing this is a kinda hard to swallow an seeing the pain in your child's eyes changes alot. SOOOO me an C had an agreement i would stop. A pinky promise to be exact. For those of you who don't know what a pinky promise or pinky swear is...its where you stick your pinky out an wrap it around another pinky in my case it was my sons, an you make an agreement then after saying it you say i pinky promise or pinky swear whichever an there ya go! But never take a pinky promise lightly. Its still your word even though it sounds silly so stick by your word. As for me it was the most difficult thing I've had to do in a long time. But i think if it wouldn't have been for that pinky promise id still be smoking today. So thank you son for helping me kick the habit.

Definition of Greed...My Ex.

Her 1st time to the beach!

Well received a letter in the mail from Chris's attorney yesterday saying they wanted to hold me in contempt for not signing forms saying he is entitled to 1 half of my child tax exemption. Wow really? I'm blown away right now. Not only has he dropped my kids insurance 2 months ago but also is behind on child support. I could go on an on about this like how he hardly ever calls the kids he doesn't take them when the papers say he can. ooh like for thanksgiving which he went to the Bahama's but couldn't see his kids. He says he cant afford to help pay for school pictures or pay for soccer or school supplies or school clothes or how about when i called in January asking him to help pay for a 195.00 prescription for C but said no or how about A's 200.00 glasses..think he helped pay for those?? Nope. He suppose to pay half of all medical yet he doesn't i do. He doesn't do anything really yet he wants  half of the income tax i receive. Just doesn't make any sense now does it. Greed. Selfish. That's all it is. All he can worry about is money when he should be calling an asking what can he do, how are the kids, how is school. He is missing so many important things in the kids life an all he can think about is money an what he thinks he deserves. Think he was around the first time C read a book all by himself with no help?? Or A's first soccer goal?? How about Kk's first time sticking her toes in the sand at the beach?? The list grows everyday an it makes me sad. How can you act like your own kids don'texist?? I am aware i have no way of knowing what Chris feels but from anyone looking in on this including his own family can see Chris has given up on being a father to his kids. The day he walked out is the day he washed his hands i guess. Out of sight out of mind. I cant say i mind being the one who goes to all there games an school functions going to the hundred doctor, dentist, or eye appointments. teacher parent conferences getting up all through the night cause of fever or a belly ache. Washing a million loads of laundry a week, picking out anything green out of supper cause eww its gross an filling up the pantry with millions of after school snacks cause mom you promised. Saying okay its your turn to play the wii but only 30 Mins. i have to be the mom the dad the good guy the bad guy i have to be everything. I'm mommy an nothing can compare to the love i have an share with my kids. I wake up every morning an see there precious faces an i kiss there tiny lips every night before bed. They know ill never leave ill never walk out ill never abandon them. I always hug them even when I'm mad i always say im sorry when im wrong i always say i love you even if I'm just running to the store an right back. So yes I'm mad I'm beyond mad right now. How dare you want to take food from there mouths take what isn't yours that money is NOT yours. I will defend my kids an stand up for whats theres. I am there voice an i will scream. Okay i believe i am done venting. oh an some random info i am on my 13th day of being smoke free. its also raining like crazy outside =)I went to an ARD meeting for C's speech today an was glad to hear all the wonderful things everyone had to say about him. Hes so smart an sweet he is ahead of his class etc. Sorry if anything is out of place or spelled wrong. Just not in the mood to make it look perfect im sure you will understand. An other then all that mess today is pretty decent. Welp gotta go lay miss kk down for her nap an make me some lunch =)

well it sure has been a long time!

My wonderful little family!

I don't even know where to start haha geez i forgot all about this account until someone posted on facebook a link to what actually a very sad blog. But then remembered i did in fact have an account an after sending an "i lost my password" msg here i am!! So much has changed since my last post. Well after chris moved to PA we divorced. Decided this that following Nov right after he came down for C's birthday. That is a long story an wont go there...for now. I'm still living in east Texas. I quit walmart last July when i kids went to visit there daddy in PA an currently not working. I stay home with miss kk who is now 2 1/2 an so far my wildest child! I am ENGAGED to a wonderful man. My kids love him as he loves them too. Its been a challenge for everyone to adjust but we are getting there. The boys are doing pretty good. C was diagnosed with ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) back when school started.He takes medications which i was def against for so long but now an happy to say it works! Mr A also is taking meds for ADHD and his teacher says its a miracle drug for him =) both boys are doing great in school an couldn't be happier. I am going out of my mind being a stay at home mom but should be thankful that i am able to. I am glad i ran across this again. will def give me something to do lol So that is the quick version of where i am these days. Look forward to posting more soon. yay i am back!

Its been awhile

well here Iam again. Its been awhile since i have gotten on to spill my thought an emotions an thought hell why not today lol Alot has changed in just the short amount of time i have been nonexistent on here. Chris has moved to Pennsylvania for a job. Its been a little stressful but made me realize how much i appreciate everything he does for me an the kids. I bad many melt downs after he left but im getting better. He is down right now but just for a few days. But im happy to spend some time with him an he will be here for C's bday party tomorrow. Yes C turned 6 nov 3rd. So hard to believe he is already 6!

Speaking of things hard to believe he seems that A is starting to have some problems in Prek. He isnt wanting to follow rules which i guess at that age it happens. But he had ISS the other day which seemed a lil strange to me considering he is only 4! an only goes to school for 3 hours a day. When did they find time to put him there??? Anyways im trying to find where the problems are coming from, is it chris being away, is it something im doing wrong? Have i failed my kids an dont see it?? Its been hard on me an i have been hard on myself. I just want my kids to be good as of all parents do. I just wonder if im missing something sometimes. I know my job dosent help but trust me if i didnt have to work i wouldnt. But what do i do?

Oh i have so much more to write but i hear Kk waking from her nap so better go. I shall return with more drama an sob stories =) lol